6 January 1602

            I believe I have done it! I have discovered the reason for Hamlet’s feigned madness and the plan he has been working on so diligently lately.

            Earlier this evening, Hamlet had a group of actors put on a play here at Elsinore. People were quite enthused, excited at the notion of some entertainment to take their minds off King Hamlet’s death and Queen Gertrude’s marriage.

            The irony was surely part of Hamlet’s plan!

            Parts of the play were similar to that of Elsinore’s tragic events, a king’s death and a queen’s second marriage. The only difference was that the king was murdered and the queen married the murderer.

            At first, I was just as puzzled as the rest of the audience. What was the point of putting on a production such as this? Would it not serve only to disturb instead of console everyone? I attempted to ask Hamlet, who sat by me despite having broken my heart and against my inner wishes. He replied, “It means mischief,” and would not relay any more helpful information. I watched the rest of the play in complete contemplation.

            That was when I became aware of King Claudius. He made it clear that he was uncomfortable by rising while the play was still in production and commanding that the lights come on and the actors be sent away.

            I worried about King Claudius’ reaction. Surely it could not have been Hamlet’s intentions to upset him with the play, could it have been? Moreover, why would King Claudius react in such a manner? It could not be simply because it alluded to his brother’s death. We all mourn for King Hamlet, but no one else rose and instructed for the end of the play.

            Then it occurred to me that perhaps the play was more similar to the true events of Elsinore than I had originally believed.

            What if King Hamlet had been murdered instead of dying from a serpent’s bite, as it has been commonly believed? In addition, what if it had been King Claudius who murdered his brother? Envy of the throne would definitely be an appropriate motive for such an action. Furthermore, the action would also explain why King Claudius married Queen Gertrude so hastily! It would take attention away from his murderous actions, creating another source for gossip.

It has all been made perfectly clear to me!

            As soon as I came to this conclusion, I recalled what Hamlet said to me when he broke my heart. “Those that are married already, all but one shall live.” It had sounded like a threat to a married couple, but perhaps it was only a threat to one part of the married couple.

            Hamlet must be planning to avenge his father! The madness, as well, must be a cover for Hamlet to put his plan into action. Just like Queen Gertrude’s second marriage, it distracts people from the truth.

            Elsinore is a much darker place than I have ever realized. In every corrupted corner, one can find deception, dishonesty, and disdain. It is like a two-faced bride. During the day, she is beautiful, grand, and takes one’s breath away. At night, the veil is lifted, revealing the perverse nature that is hidden within her.

            I know not what to do with the immoral information I have deciphered. There is nothing for me to do! It is not my place to stop Hamlet’s plan as a lady and especially not now that I am no longer Hamlet’s lady. Moreover, should I even want to stop his plan? If my deduction is indeed correct, does not King Hamlet deserve to be revenged and does not King Claudius deserve to be punished?

             Oh, I am not feeling well once again. I cannot continue this deliberation.

I am fatigued and there is a pain in my head. Nausea has also plagued me for the past month or so. Perhaps I have become ill. Although, illness would not explain for the tenderness in my breasts I have noticed lately. Normally, I would align these symptoms with my monthly bleeding, but it has not occurred for the past two months.

            Has it really been two months? Then, that could mean…

            Can it be? Truly? Am I with child? Is Hamlet’s child growing within me as I write at this very moment?

            Nay, it cannot be! I know not of motherhood for I have grown without a mother. I cannot be a mother! It would be the one sign of my lack of virtue. I cannot even imagine the reactions of my father and brother. And Hamlet? He could not be a father, especially not at his present state. There MUST be another explanation for the symptoms that have afflicted me.

            I am ill. That is all. Perchance some rest shall do me good. Yes, that is it.  

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