My father and brother make my blood
boil like a river on the hottest day of the summer!
Laertes left for France today, off
to see the world in a way my father would never allow me to. I know it is not a
woman’s place to do so, but I envy my brother’s freedom. How I wish to explore
the world! But alas, I am but fifteen, at the perfect age to be married and
nothing else.
Although, if it were up to my father
and brother, I should marry anyone in the world, so long as it is not my sweet
Hamlet.
Before Laertes took his leave today,
he came to give me “brotherly” advice. He dared to warn me about my love,
saying Hamlet’s favor for me was “not permanent” and “not lasting!” I found it
difficult to keep any bitter remarks to myself and allow Laertes to finish what
he had come to say. If I had known the rest of his speech, I would have
simply walked away right then!
Laertes went on to warn me about
keeping my virtue. MY virtue! Hah! After he gets to frolic off to France to
fancy himself any French maiden in his bed, I am the one who has to be wary of my virtue. Where is the justice
in that? Just because of our different sexes, I am not allowed to open my bed
to my love, but it is acceptable for my brother to?
Unfortunately, I could no longer
hold my tongue. Through gritted teeth, I told him, “I shall th’effect of this
good lesson keep,” although I knew I was speaking a falsehood. But then, I
reminded him to follow his own advice and not be hypocritical. It only angered
me further when Laertes smiled and said, “Oh fear me not.”
As close as Laertes and I have
always been, and as much as I know he wants to protect me as his little sister,
he knows exactly how to be irksome at times.
For a moment, it was a favorable
occasion that my father appeared. It gave me time to bite back my bitterness
and remind myself to be respectful. After all, my brother and father are all I
have in the world besides Hamlet. However, my relief at my father’s appearance
soon dissipated.
After Laertes left, my father
questioned me about our conversation and then later about the nature of my
relationship with Hamlet. Fearing his rebuke, I told him only about Hamlet’s
affection, not of our promise to marry.
He disagreed immediately and warned
me not to ruin his reputation with our foolish relationship. Once again, I
found it difficult to remain silent. A great urge to defend Hamlet surged
within me. “He hath importuned me with love in honourable fashion,” I defiantly
told my father.
My father would have none of it,
despite my words.
He forbade me to either “give words
or talk with the Lord Hamlet,” shattering my heart with every syllable he pronounced.
How could I stay away from he who holds my heart in his hands? Could I find it
in myself to turn my head whenever Hamlet spoke to me with his melodic voice or
to lock my door and go to bed knowing I had denied Hamlet my physical love?
My eyes watered just at the thought
of being without Hamlet, but I knew I had to obey my father. I owe him that
much. I know he protects me so because I remind him much of my mother. He loves
me, which is why I know he has always worked diligently to teach me how to be a
woman to the best of his abilities despite my motherless state. I must to be
thankful for that.
And
so, if he did not wish me to be with Hamlet, I knew I must find a way to be
without Hamlet.
With
a barely audible voice so as not to reveal my tears, I replied, “I shall obey,
my lord.” As soon as he gave me my leave, I ran to my chamber and began to
write as the tears came forth.
My emotions are strangers to me. Although
I feel hopelessly unhappy, I cannot help but be enraged. Why is it that I am denied
my happiness, but my brother is not? Why is my father able to control me, but
he lets my brother run free? Had I been born a male…
I
feel trapped within my gender like a helpless bird! That is what I feel. Being
a female is the source of my unhappiness. As a male, it would not matter if I
lay with a maiden before marriage. As a male, I could marry whomever I pleased.
As a male, I could travel the world. As a male, I could simply fly free.
But
I am a female. Nothing can be done. I must respect my father and brother and
release Hamlet from my heart.
My
head aches and the tears persist. I shall cease to write. I will lie upon my
bed for some time and attempt some rest.
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